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Hi! This is part of one of the books I am writing... please read and give me your opinion! The book is called : The man in the shadows.

                                                                   Chapter one
         The wind whistled into my ears as I approached the house. A hand squeezes mine, I look down, my black hair an unruly mess flowing in front of my face, to see my 3 year old autistic daughter, May,  looking up at me nervously.
     " It's fine honey..." I tell her, concerned. Last time she was like this was when her father had died just 7 months ago. " Let's go inside" I say, fighting back a suspicion that something is going to happen soon... something bad.
       I shake my head as I look up at the house, but as May looks up along with me, she lets out a ear piercing scream. I look down, highly concerned now. I look in the direction she was pointing at but saw nothing... I shake my head.
       " that's because it is nothing." , I mumble , " she is probably hallucinating" . I give myself a nervous shake, and drag my daughter into the house. But when I entered I saw something that made me freeze.
       On the floor was a pool of blood. I blink, hoping the blood will disappear ... and when I open my eyes I notice it actually did, now replacing the blood was a rug, with a slight tear in the corner that seemed to be glowing. But as I look closer I realize it wasn't. I then look at May to see her big brown eyes, staring back at me, not blinking once. I bend down to give her a hug... but then I realize that she was crying blood. She starts screaming and pointing at the spot where the blood was. I look back at her as she collapses to the ground, staring up at me, her eyes blank and bleeding, her hair as messy as mine, shaking uncontrollably. I begin to panic, until I finally see her blink. I begin to relax, when she starts mumbling something in Greek, her eyes rolling around her head. I scream, shaking as she sits up, blood pouring from her eyes and nose. Then she looks at me.
    " What's wrong mom-myy?" she says in a voice unlike her own.. sounding sing-songy. "Can't face what you created?". I become rather confused and couldn't move. Then I feel something cold on my hands. I look down to see blood covering my hands, then it goes dark.
                                                *    *    *    *    ~   *    *    *    *
      I awake to see May rocking back and forth staring at the wall crying, but this time there is no blood. I sigh in relief and crawl over to my daughter slowly. She looks at me, a nervous wreck, her hair covered in blood making the honey-brown colour more of a mahogany. I reach for her hand. She grabs it looking up at me, then stands up slowly. I can't bear to see her like this, so I pick her up and carry her up the stairs nervously. This had never happened before, and I was concerned that it had something to do with the house. As I am deep in my thoughts I hear a growling sound coming from my hands. I jump, startled, but then I realize it is only my daughter, sound asleep. I smile.
   " I'm just being paranoid." I murmur to myself. I look into one of the rooms, trying to find a suitable place for May to sleep. To my shock I see a child's bed in the first room I look in. I walk towards the bed to lay her down, taking in the vibrant colours of this room, the walls a sky blue, reminding me of our old home. I smile, laying May down on the bed. I look at her face and smile, but then I hear a knocking at the door. I scream and rush to go to protect my daughter, then I realize that it was the front door and that I was safe. I go down to answer it.
When I open the door I see my real-estate agent, looking at me. She nervously smiles, handing me a book. Then she looks at the blood on my hands and sighs.
    "Poor dear... ," she murmurs softly, but when I look at her confused she sighs again and says, rather calmly, I might add, " I have something to tell you about this house..." .
     I look at her, short blonde hair, blue eyes the colour of the sky, an hourglass shape. I note all
these features for my next painting... since I am trying to be an artist. I smile realizing that she was still talking.
     "... And he died right over there on that rug-" she stops mid-sentence. I look at the space on the floor where the rug used to be, and all I see is a cross, neatly placed in the centre . This confused me... but then I saw my daughter carrying the rug away. I pause for a second... The cross was exactly in the centre at a perfect angle... my daughter can barely hold a pencil straight, and also that rug... It must be at least ten pounds. I turn back to where the real-estate woman was standing only to see she was gone. What is going on, I wonder as I reach up to my face, why is this- then I stop mid thought. My hand is now wet... I look down nervously expecting blood... But to my luck, It turns out I had just been crying. I sigh a sigh of relief as I look down the hall. But then something hits me.... My daughter was in bed just 5 minutes ago. How did she get down the stairs? Then I hear a loud crash coming from the direction that my daughter had headed in. I rush over to see her sound asleep, hugging the rug, in the middle of the so-called "kitchen". I look at her, once again peacefully sleeping, once again the daughter I loved so much. What am I turning in to? Once again the daughter I loved so much? I had never stopped loving her. Not at any point, in the whole three years of her life. I look over at the wall behind me, wondering where the real-estate woman had went... and wondering what had happened all together in the past few hours. I begin to pace, but give up, as my legs hurt. I go over to my daughter and lie down with her. I try to stay awake, maybe organize the house, But the next thing I know I'm sound asleep.
                                           *     *     *     *     ~    *     *     *     *
     I awake once more and realize that it is past midnight. I reach over to hug May.
     When I look at her I hear her mumbling "mommy, I love you". I smile at her. My little May has grown so much, I think to myself, and soon she will be four. I smile at the thought, and squeeze my daughter into a warm embrace. She starts crying, her hair now being covered in blood and tears. I shake my head.
    "Hubble the bubble will not get this clean" I murmur to myself thinking about her favourite shampoo. I brush her hair back with my hands, not caring of the blood and tears. She rolls over, onto her other side, and as she does this I stare at her face. Then her eyes open and she looks at me. I continue to brush her hair, trying to get her into another restful sleep. She sits up and walks away.
     "Come here baby", I call to her. She turns around and smiles at me. Then walks right over and lies down beside me. I smile at her as she starts mumbling something. I lean in closer to hear what she is saying.
      "Vanessa-Van-Esssssssa" she mumbles it again. I start to shake. That's my name. I look at her nervously. She looks at me and says my name again.
     "NO!" , I yell at her, shaking her furiously,
     "no,no,no you little brat!" . I start screaming at her, I just can't take this anymore. Then I look down at her, only to see her crying, staring up at me in horror. She is screaming my name
now, shaking back and forth, crying furiously. I reach down to her, hugging her tightly, trying to calm her down. The guilt rushes through me, consuming me. I had hurt my daughter. May, little May, was now crying because of me. As I am thinking I realize that everything had went
       I look down at her, praying that she was only sleeping. I reach down for her pulse, and to my relief I find it... from all the panic of the day, I realize that even when my daughter had been crying blood, I hadn't done anything to help her. I didn't call 911, didn't try to stop the blood... I just stood there. What am I. Am I human? But then I think about it. There are no hospitals anywhere near this house and I was to scared to react... So I shouldn't be to blame, right? I pace back and forth thinking about this. But then my legs start to ache worse than before, and I can't handle it. I am about to go to sleep, when I hear a knocking at my door. I head over, expecting the real-estate woman to be there. But when I open the door I see an elderly woman, pale and crying. I let her in concerned, although  as I close the door I hear her laughing. I turn to look at her, only to see her staring at May. I back away, reaching for my cellphone, attempting to get help. I reach for it, knocking down a lamp, but none the less I grab my cell phone. I look at her, hoping she didn't notice the lamp. She didn't. I look down at the screen just as the screen saver comes to view. I stare at it, remembering home, then begin to dial 911. But then the woman wheels around and smiles at me.
        "Honey, I'm not going to hurt you. But the shadows... they will". She starts laughing and screaming when something crashes on the upper level. She stops.
         "He is mad..." she mumbles. I begin to think that she has lost her mind. But then she starts feeling the walls, and I am almost certain of it. She starts to mumble a poem, going something like this:

                                        "Shadows, shadows in the walls,"
                                             "walk through the halls"
                "Only to follow the man in the shadows, to obey, to believe"
                                 "every wim, wit... and even if he deceives"
                                       "now at my word please do be kind"
                                                " and take in mind..."
                                               " maritiki consa toino"
       " et coula, coula, dan ne nourteaue contrutrasi mekiti, maritiki, maritiki, consetraul.."
         She stops abruptly, as the ground begins to shake.
        " It is too strong now,"
         She then looks at me, shaking, eyes turning red, then she walks out mumbling " It is time to get John." The door closes behind her, leaving me standing there, wondering what in the name of all good, did she just do? The ceiling and floor start screeching, windows opening and closing, the rug floating towards me, as I stare in complete and utter horror. The rug then collapses as light starts to seep through the windows. I start shaking as my daughter stands up, hobbling towards me. As I begin to walk away I notice she just wanted a hug. I rush over to her, as fast as I can and pick her up.
" Do you want a nice long bath", I ask her trying to imitate her favourite T.V character, Ariel.
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newfour Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Another typo:

*The point is....
newfour Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Whoops! Sorry that was a correction and a reply for my own comment... :foreveralone:

...Yeah. Anyway, I'm going to stop commenting because my comments usually takes up a lot of space.
newfour Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Hmmm.... I have to say, this is really good! I really enjoy your narrating style! However, there are certain things I should point out.

For Example: " that's because it is nothing." , I mumble , " she is probably hallucinating" .

I see there are a few punctuational/grammatical mistakes in this sentence. The first thing I notice is the lack of capitalization. I am not an official "Grammar Nazi", but I just really dislike it when people do not capitalize in the proper areas. This is nothing too major because you probably just made a simple typo but, the main problem in this sentence is the structure. First thing I should mention is that, do not put a comma after the quotation mark/dialogue. Punctuation marks are suppose to be inside the warmth of the quotation marks! Don't just leave it in the cold! It wants, no, it DEMANDS to be in the awesome warmness of the quotations marks!


Anyway, it should look something like this now:

"That's because it is nothing." I mumble. "She is probably hallucinating."

See what I corrected? I just made simple adjustments to the punctuation areas. The comma should be used inside or be enclosed in the "warmth" of the quotation marks. The part where the dialogue ends should be a period, exclamation mark, question mark (or whatever else you can think of) ,THEN the quotation mark should follow. Don't put a comma right before the area where it indicates who's speaking (For Example: She softly whispered.). After that area is finished or done, put a period (refer to the fixed example, please ^_^).

Just remember this golden rule:

The punctuation DEMANDS to be inside the warmth of the quotation marks, or else you won't get a cookie!

O.K. Next topic. The flow of the narration is the next topic.

For Example:

I smile, laying May down on the bed. I look at her face and smile, but then I hear a knocking at the door. I scream and rush to go to protect my daughter, then I realize that it was the front door and that I was safe. I go down to answer it.

The flow of the story in this area seems kinda "choppy" in my opinion but it's not bad. In this area (and certain others) you seem to separate them into many sentences. Don't use too much periods, it creates that "choppy" feeling. Try to combine certain parts into one sentence, just don't go insane with that. I don't think anyone wants to see 3 paragraphs worth of information and words crammed into one single sentence!

I kinda revised this part to make an example (also because I'm too lazy to go search for a different example):

As I was laying May down on the bed, I caught a glance of her face causing me to smile. Suddenly I heard a knock at the door instinctively causing me to scream and cover my daughter. Quickly realizing that it was the front door, I went down to answer it.

Disregarding the grammar mistakes I made, I revised that area to make the flow a BIT better. Yeah, yeah... I know there are flaws but, the flow is slightly better because I didn't use so much periods. This still doesn't mean you should go and ignore the , punctuation, period. They're your friends as long as you don't excessively use them ( they get tired too, you know.).

Ummm... Where was I again? Oh yeah, the next one isn't too much of a problem for you. The next topic is called "Purpling It". Ever heard of it? If it's a no, then I'll explain. "Purpling it", means to excessively use adjectives. I know our teachers always use to tell to us adjectives to help paint a better picture in reader's mind but, some people just overdo it! They seriously don't just tint their story purple, they turn their whole story into PURPLE TOWN! I mean think about it, purple here, purple there. Anyone would go insane!


Ranting aside, the point is not to overdo it would adjectives. Doing so can turn a 32 word description , into a 90-something word paragraph! I know it would be a short paragraph but that's besides the point. Just remember not to overuse adjectives. However, you kinda tinted a part of your story purple though.

In the beginning:

The wind whistled into my ears as I approached the house. A hand squeezes mine, I look down, my black hair an unruly mess flowing in front of my face, to see my 3 year old autistic daughter, May, looking up at me nervously.

Like I mentioned before, this slightly tints the story purple. I love the color purple and all, but doing it to a story is not exactly the best thing to do. It's not totally purple town, but you don't need to give so much information about your hair blowing in the wind. You just have to tone it down a little.

My Fourth (I think) and final point! I like the plot of your story, but I think the progress is a little bit too fast, in my opinion. As a person, who has an attention span of a squirrel (sorry to all squirrels out there), I don't really like ultra slow plots. However your plot and story does show a lot of potential and promise, you just need to slow down a bit. Usually these type of things, are spanned over a few days at least. One thing I should also point out, is that you could try making a prologue to create a background story for your characters. Unless, you're planning to do so later on in the story as some sort of flashback.

Anyway that's all I really have to mention! I learned all of this from a great tutorial! Contact me when you can, so I can send it to you! " :)

Overall, awesome story! :D

Lol, I'm a better beta reader than I am writer though....
Mandabella8952 Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Those aren't mistakes. I did them on purpose, it's my format and style. I've had the story checked and people agree my grammar and punctuation is correct.
newfour Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
It's quite easy to miss those type of punctuation, but there IS a distinct difference between a format/writing style and proper punctuational and grammar use. The comma after the quotation (ie. ,I mumbled,) is an incorrect use however, the comma after the area where it indicates who speaks is correct. I checked this using word.

Also, even if this is a rough draft, you should try to make as little as mistakes as possible. The good copy is when all the mistakes the writer missed are corrected.

Sorry, if I sounded too critical. I just wanted to give some advice.
newfour Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I made a typo:

* I know our teachers USED to tell US to USE adjectives....

* Then point is not to overdo it with adjectives

Yeah, yeah, yeah... I made a couple typos but it's not my fault! OK, it kinda is but, you can't blame me for it! I did all of this 2:00 in the morning!

Anyway Good Luck!

Oh Look a Ninja! :ninja:
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Submitted on
June 28, 2012


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